What Grief Has Taught Me – And What I Want You To Know

 

Grief has shown up like an uninvited dinner guest more times than I can count. Grief moves through people like weather – you can sometimes predict it’s arrival, but mostly it shows up on its own time.  The intensity and widespread impact that grief has on us catches us unprepared and exposes our vulnerabilities.  Taking on many forms, grief can look like anger, numbness, or even relief.  It rarely shows up in the way we expect.  Each person can and will feel it differently, which can leave you feeling like you’re treading in the ocean with no one around for miles.

 My own journey has left me to live with grief through the loss of a parent, loved ones, pregnancies, beloved pets, relationships and friendships.   Through my personal losses and from my clinical work, I know for certain that grief is not something that can be fixed or solved.   Grief is instead a new normal that requires patience, compassion, and flexibility.

What Grief Actually Is

Usually we think of grief as primarily something that follows death. Grief, however, also follows divorce, job loss, the end of a friendship, a miscarriage, a diagnosis, a child leaving home, or even the loss of who you thought you were going to be. Grief is the emotional response to any significant loss, and it is as unique as the people who experience it.

You have probably heard of the five stages of grief — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance — first described by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969. These stages offered something important: language and validation at a time when grief was largely unspoken, but they were never intended to be a linear checklist. Grief is not experienced in steps. You do not graduate from one stage to the next and arrive at acceptance like a destination. Grief takes you ten steps forward and eleven steps back. Grief feels like a roller coaster that doesn’t come to an end.  The only way through is by learning how to manage the nonstop motion. This is not failure. This is grief.

We know that grief moves in waves. William Worden’s Tasks of Mourning and George Bonanno’s resilience research both point to something important: most people do eventually find their footing, but the timeline is their own, and the path is not predictable. There is no “on track” and no “behind.”

So How Do We Support Someone Who Is Grieving?

If someone you love is grieving, your instinct is probably to want to fix it. You want to say the right thing and help them feel better as quickly as possible.  Watching someone you love suffer is extremely painful. I understand that impulse, but that is not the assignment. The goal is to accompany someone through it by showing up for them and being able and open to seeing their grief, loss and pain.

Here is what that can look like:

Show up without an agenda. You do not need the right words. “I’m here” and “I love you” go further than most people realize. Silence, when offered with presence, is a gift. Sitting with someone in their pain, without rushing them out of it, is one of the most profound things one human being can do for another.

Say their name. If someone has lost a person, say that person’s name. Many grieving people fear that the one they lost will be forgotten, and they are quietly waiting for someone to acknowledge that this person existed and mattered. “I’ve been thinking about your mom a lot lately” or “I miss him too” can mean everything.

Bring the dinner now, but don’t forget connection later. The initial outpouring of support after a loss is real and meaningful, but grief does not end after the funeral. Grief often intensifies once the meals stop arriving and everyone else has returned to normal life. Mark your calendar to check in at the one-month and three-month marks. That is often when people feel most alone.

Do not rank the grief. Avoid saying things like “at least they lived a long life,” “at least you have other children,” or “at least you weren’t together that long.” These are attempts to find a silver lining, but they communicate — unintentionally — that this person’s pain is not entirely valid. Loss is loss. It does not need to be ranked to be real.

Ask what they need — and offer specifics. “Let me know if you need anything” is well-intentioned but places the burden on someone who is already overwhelmed. Instead, ask “Can I drop off dinner on Thursday?” or “I’m going to the grocery store — can I grab a few things for you?” Try “would you like me to drop off a meal Tuesday or Thursday?”  Specific offers or choices are easier to receive.

Know when to encourage professional support. Grief becomes complicated when it persists without any movement at all,  when it significantly impairs daily functioning, or when it is accompanied by depression, substance use, or thoughts of self-harm. If you notice these signs in someone you love, gently encourage them to speak with a therapist. This is not a sign that something is wrong with them — it is a sign that they are in need of additional support.

Supporting Grieving Children and Adolescents

Children and teenagers grieve fully and deeply. Unfortunately, they are often the forgotten grievers — the ones adults worry about but don’t always know how to reach. Here are a few things trusted adults want to understand about grief in young people.

Children

Children do not grieve continuously the way adults often do. A child may cry intensely about their grandmother’s death and then ask if they can go ride their bike twenty minutes later. This is not a lack of care. This is developmentally normal. Children have smaller windows for emotional processing and instinctively move in and out of grief to protect themselves. It can feel jarring to adults, but it is healthy.

What children need most is honest, age-appropriate information and permission to feel. Avoid euphemisms like “we lost Grandpa” or “she passed away.” These can create confusion and anxiety. Instead, use clear, kind language: “Grandpa died. That means his body stopped working and he is not coming back. It is okay to feel sad, and it is okay to feel whatever you feel.”

Children also need consistency and routine after a loss. Their world has been disrupted, and the predictability of daily life of meals, school, and bedtime is stabilizing. Predictability helps them know they are safe and that the adults around them are okay enough to keep going.

Watch for behavioral changes rather than only emotional expressions. Grieving children often show their pain through changes in behavior: regression (bedwetting, clinging), sleep disruption, irritability, somatic complaints (stomachaches, headaches), or withdrawal from friends. These are grief signals worth monitoring.

Help them create ways to remember. Memory boxes, drawings, letters to the person who died, lighting a candle on a birthday — these rituals help children build a relationship with their loss over time rather than being asked to “get over it.” 

Teenagers

Adolescents are busy in the developmental work of forming their identities, separating from adults, and turning increasingly to peers for emotional support. Grief in this context is complicated. Teenagers often do not want to appear different from their peers, may be embarrassed by their emotions, and may resist adult attempts to engage with them about their loss, even as they are struggling deeply.

Teenagers also process grief in ways that can worry adults: through humor, through intense distraction, through throwing themselves into activities, or through sudden emotional outbursts that seem out of proportion. These are normal adaptive responses, not dysfunction.

What helps most with teenagers is presence without pressure. Let them know you are there. Check in without demanding a response. “I know things have been hard lately. You don’t have to talk about it, but I want you to know I’m always here” goes a long way.

Peers matter enormously. If a teenager’s friend group is also grieving following a peer loss, for example, supporting the social system, not just the individual, can be powerful. Schools that bring in counselors, create space for shared grief, and normalize the loss as a community experience help young people feel less alone.

Watch for warning signs in teens: increased isolation, substance use, dramatic changes in grades or behavior, expressions of hopelessness, or any indication of suicidal thinking. Grief can become complicated for teenagers, and early intervention matters. If you are ever unsure, err on the side of seeking professional support.

A Final Word

Grief is not evidence that something has gone wrong. It is a process we experience because something or someone mattered deeply. It is the shape of love turned outward when the one we love is no longer here to receive it.

In my work, I have seen grief transform people. Not erase the loss, not fix the wound, but transform. People can come through grief changed, often with a clearer sense of what matters to them, a deeper capacity for compassion, and a relationship with their own resilience that they did not know they had.

If you are grieving right now, please know that there is nothing wrong with you. You are not taking too long, feeling too much, or handling it incorrectly. You are human, and you are doing one of the hardest things human beings do.

If you are walking alongside someone who is grieving, thank you. Your presence matters more than you know.

You’ve got this.  

Megan