Finding Peace During the Holidays

 

As a family therapist, I’ve witnessed first hand how the holiday season can amplify existing family dynamics and create new challenges. While the holidays promise joy and connection, they often deliver stress and tension instead. Below are some tools that may help you access your much needed peace.

Map Out the Challenges

Before diving into solutions,  identify potential challenging situations.   Ask yourselves a few key questions and write them down.

• Which gatherings or events have been difficult in the past?
• Are there specific family members whose interactions tend to create tension?
• What topics typically lead to conflict? (Politics, life choices, parenting styles)
• Are there logistical challenges that cause stress? (Travel arrangements, accommodation)
• Do certain traditions or expectations create pressure?
• What boundaries do you want to maintain for yourself? What are you willing to tolerate and what is unacceptable?

How Does the Family Want to Feel?

Here’s something most families miss: Before making any plans, discuss how each family member wants to feel during the holidays. For example, “I want to feel calm and peace.” “I want to manage my anxiety well.” “I want to enjoy moments with family.” “I want to have fun.”  Make a list and post the list somewhere visible to everyone.  Every time you have a decision to make regarding the holidays, ask yourself “is this in alignment with our list?”

Prioritize and Categorize Events and Traditions

Will this strengthen or diminish my peace? Consider the answer while using the Three P’s approach: 

• Primary: What’s absolutely essential? (Example: Having dinner together on Christmas Eve)
• Preferred: What would be nice but isn’t crucial? (Example: Attending every holiday party)
• Possible to Skip: What can you let go of? (Example: Making homemade gifts for everyone)

You are allowed to say no to events, expectations (yours or someone else’s), and anything that flat out doesn’t work for you.

Tools for Real Time

Talk about expectations beforehand:  With everything you choose, it can be helpful to  communicate your expectations for the event out loud.  Talk about how long you’ll be there. How will you communicate if someone wants to leave earlier? Will you be drinking? Who will be the designated driver? Having the answers to these questions before the event can help maintain peace in your relationship as well.

Do have a plan for getting out of awkward or uncomfortable conversations:  Keep a list of neutral topics and questions to bring up when/if the conversation starts getting dicey.  Say “oh I’m grabbing some food or a drink” and then move to another room, stand up if you’re sitting, or vice versa.  Don’t accept every invitation to engage. You are not required to answer questions or share more than you’re comfortable sharing.  “I don’t think that topic is helpful to discuss.” “I’m just keeping that answer to myself.” “I just don’t have an answer to that question.” 

Do allow yourself to take short time outs during events.  If you are able, take a few minutes in another part of the house, step outside, or take a slightly extended restroom break.  Close your eyes, and take several deep breaths in through your nose for 6,  hold for 4, then breathe out of your mouth for 7.  Doing this several times can help you reset if you are overloaded.

Pay attention to your inner dialogue. We believe what we think.  If you say to yourself that the holidays will be overwhelming, stressful and worrisome, that’s what they’ll be.  If you want to keep your peace, then make sure the dialogue in your head is realistic and healthy – “I am choosing peace and good mental health this holiday season.”

Be flexible. Let go of the idea you have in your head of how this is all supposed to go.  Accept that most things will not go exactly as you hope.  You can handle it.  Try to get present and allow yourself to appreciate the highlights of the season, rather than only seeing the negative.

With a little planning, intension, and flexibility, you can experience the joy of the season in a way that works for you and your family.