The Family Impact of Trauma and PTSD

Having had the privilege of sitting with many families over the years, I have seen firsthand the impact of trauma on a family system.  Many people consider the experience of trauma to be memorable or impactful singular events, such as a serious accident, loss of life, or assault.  What folks often miss, is that experiencing trauma can come in many forms.  It can be the impact of a parent constantly invalidating your feelings and opinions with “that’s not what happened”, or “you’re always so dramatic.”  It can be having to manage the emotions of a parent by constantly needing to be good, because he or she lacks the skills of emotional regulation.  Trauma can be getting excluded or ousted from friend groups, teased or tormented by peers over months or even years.  Trauma can even look like getting cut from a sports team you’ve been a part of for years.  Ultimately, trauma is an emotional response to a deeply distressing or disturbing event, or series of events over time.   While many people recover from trauma with time and support, some develop PTSD—a mental health condition that can include flashbacks, nightmares, severe anxiety, and uncontrollable thoughts about the event. PTSD doesn’t discriminate; it can affect children, teenagers, adults, and even the elderly.

Families function as an interconnected system. When one member experiences trauma or develops PTSD, the entire system is affected. The person with PTSD may struggle with irritability, withdrawal, or emotional numbness, which can disrupt communication, trust, and closeness within the family. Partners may feel distant or helpless, children might sense tension or blame themselves, and routines can be thrown into chaos.  Very often, I see folks who haven’t yet come to terms with or accepted that they have experienced trauma.  

If you suspect that the experience of trauma is impacting your family, how can you know for sure? Below are some signs to look for:

1. Your home may have a volatile atmosphere, meaning you experience regular, intense, arguments, constant tension, or a “walking on eggshells” feeling.
2. You notice emotional withdrawal by one or more family members, where they isolate themselves to avoid engaging with other family members.
3. You may notice behavioral changes. In children, you may see behavioral regression, acting out, or becoming overly clingy.  In adults, you may see unexplained anger or irritability.
4. You may see increased use of substance abuse with tweens, teens or adults.
5. You may notice a sudden avoidance either in proximity or in discussing people, places or things that remind them of the trauma.

Often, when someone in the family hasn’t addressed or dealt with their trauma, you will see parents showing up with inconsistent or negligent parenting, and sometimes with low warmth and responsiveness.  You may see the kids in the family take on adult responsibilities or try to manage adults’ emotions through fawning or people pleasing behavior.  Some families may experience chaos, instability, or a lack of routine.  Finally, there’s often an inability to discuss problems directly, or a lack of safety in doing so without someone emotionally exploding.  Instead, families may rely on complaining without taking action. 

So how do you break the cycle of trauma in a family system? There are many things that can impact the cycle. Engaging in therapy or treatment as a family and/or individually to address destructive patterns and process inherited trauma is often helpful.  Setting boundaries for yourself within a family system and acknowledging the trauma and creating a safe space for openly naming the impact  or effects of the experiences.  Looking at how to parent from a centered and calm, growth mindset perspective, rather than a trauma focused lens, as well as creating new family traditions rooted in collaboration rather than generational expectation can help also.

While you don’t have the power to erase someone’s trauma, or control others, you can in your own family, get intentional about how you function within the system.  By remembering to recognize that trauma exists, build resilience through incorporating support, and renew the brain and body through healthy boundaries and self-care, you can make a difference in your own family system.