Why Compassion Is the Most Important Gift to Give Yourself This Month

 

November asks a lot of us. The days get shorter, the to-do lists get longer, and the holidays arrive with their own mix of joy, pressure, and familiar and often painful family patterns.

It’s also the month we speak most about gratitude. We thank the people around us, but we rarely offer that same warmth to ourselves.

This month, I’m inviting you to try something different by treating yourself the way you’d treat someone you love who’s having a hard time. That’s self-compassion, and it’s a skill you can practice a little at a time.

Psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading researcher in this area, describes self-compassion as having three parts:

• Self-kindness: speaking to yourself with warmth instead of harsh judgment when you struggle or make a mistake.
• Common humanity: remembering that pain and imperfection are part of being human, not proof that something is wrong with you.
• Mindfulness: noticing what you feel without ignoring it or getting swept away by it.

When I encourage clients to practice self-compassion, I often hear things like “I don’t want to feel bad for myself or let myself off the hook”. Self-compassion is actually neither of those things.  Research suggests people who treat themselves kindly are often more likely to take responsibility and try again, because failure feels less threatening.  Think of it this way: a good coach doesn’t scream at a player after a missed shot. They say, “That was tough. Shake it off. Here’s what to try next.” You can be that coach for yourself.  You can hold yourself accountable and keep promises to yourself AND still be kind.

How to use self-compassion this month:

You don’t need to overhaul your life. Try one practice per week and notice what shifts. Missing a day is part of the practice too.  Progress, not perfection is what we are looking for here.  

Week 1 (Nov 1–7): Notice your inner voice. A few times a day, pause and ask: What am I saying to myself right now? Just notice the tone. Is it harsh? Rushed? Kind? No need to change it yet. Awareness comes first.

Week 2 (Nov 8–14): Talk to yourself like a friend.  When you catch a critical thought, ask: What would I say to a close friend in this situation? Then try saying that to yourself. For example, “I’m so behind, I’m failing at everything” might become “I’ve had a lot on my plate. I’m doing what I can.”

Week 3 (Nov 15–21): Take a self-compassion break.  When something stressful happens, try these three steps (adapted from Dr. Neff):

1. Acknowledge it: “This is really hard right now.”
2. Remember you’re not alone: “Other people feel this way too.”
3. Offer kindness: place a hand on your heart and say, “May I be gentle with myself.”

It takes less than a minute, and you can do it anywhere.

Week 4 (Nov 22–30): Give yourself permission.  As the holidays begin, give yourself permission for one thing you need. Rest. Leaving a gathering early. Saying no. Asking for help. Write it down, and remind yourself that meeting your needs isn’t selfish.

If you still find difficulty with extending yourself compassion, you also might find a photo of your younger self, ideally when you were under 18.  Put that photo somewhere where you can easily access it, or see it often.  Focus on giving compassion to that version of you.  What does that child inside of me need from adult me right now?  Think about it or write about it if you’d like – in a journal, the notes app on your phone, or talk it out in a voice memo.  These tools can help you more easily access the grace and compassion you deserve and need.

Self-compassion through the holidays

The stretch from Thanksgiving onward can stir up a lot. A few gentle reminders:

Family gatherings: Old roles and dynamics can resurface fast. If you notice yourself reacting like your younger self, that’s normal. Step outside, take a few slow breaths, and remind yourself who you are now.

Grief and loss: Empty chairs feel heavier this time of year. You don’t have to feel festive. Make room for missing someone, and honor them in a way that feels right to you.

Comparison: Social media fills up with picture-perfect tables and families. Remember you’re seeing a highlight reel. Your holiday doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s.

Gratitude without pressure: Being thankful doesn’t mean you can’t also feel sad, tired, or stretched thin. Both can be true at once.

For many people, self-compassion feels awkward or even uncomfortable at first. If you grew up with criticism, or have lived through painful experiences, being kind to yourself can feel unfamiliar. That’s okay. It doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It means you’re learning something new.  Start small. One kind sentence. One deep breath. One moment of rest. These add up.  Finally, simply notice any changes in how you feel overall after making compassion a part of your life.  What’s working better? How is your mood? Has your stress decreased at all? Don’t forget to carry these skills into the New Year!  

 

You’ve got this,

Megan